Rassilon's Mistake
by Sylv01
Summary: The Time Lords only hope might be a human called Rick Sanchez. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to fight. Just kill.


'Lord President,' said the Castellan, choosing his words carefully. 'There is an individual on the planet Earth named Rick Sanchez. His intelligence is off all known Gallifreyan tests and we believe we can use his skills to win the Time War.'

Rassilon considered this for a moment. In a Time War, all weapons, no matter how devastating, must be considered. 'What has he done that Gallifrey itself can use a mere human as a weapon?'

'His reputation across the universe is an...interesting one. Several thousand years before this war began, Sanchez encountered the Daleks on the planet Marinus where they were enslaving the native species - the Voord. He destroyed both from existence while drunken on Earth alcohol. His encounter with the Master caused his regeneration into his seventeenth incarnation. He forced the Sontarans into destroying their own battleships with a stick, and tricked the Weeping Angels into consuming themselves for eternity.'

'I see,' said Rassilon. 'And his access to time travel?'

'Entirely of his own making, Lord Rassilon. Sanchez also navigates the dimension plane, and our spies have discovered his other selves have formed a makeshift Citadel, alongside his grandson Morty Smith, who does not appear to have any high intelligence or skill.'

'Then I request that the Celestial Intervention Agency summon him immediately. Bring him here. To Gallifrey. To victory.'

Rick Sanchez was in bed, before the scarecrows took him away to a distant planet fighting a war with the Daleks. One they were losing.

'What, so you're fighting the fucking Daleks? Jesus,' he slurred, still not entirely recovered from his late-night orgy with the other Ricks.

'We have brought you here because the Time Lords of Gallifrey require assistance,' said Rassilon, his impatience not spreading to his face.

'Y-y-you've got to kidnap me in the middle of the fucking night to get me to be your little puppy dog? Have I got to - to lick your bureaucratic ass twice a week?'

'Mr Sanchez, the Daleks threaten all of reality,' Rassilon sighed. 'Every corner of creation. All universes will be forced under their rule if you do not help us.'

'Suck my dick, asshole.'

'You are to go to Skull Moon, which the Daleks currently occupy, and liberate the local population. This will be your first mission for us.'

All colour suddenly drained from Rick's face. 'Listen here dickwad, I don't help cocksuckers like you stick Dalek guns up their own asses. You've got enough shit up there already. Why don't you fight your own bullshit before I kill you all?'

'You have no choice, Mr Sanchez. Help us or die, and that was not a threat. The _Daleks_ are the ones threatening you. You may only answer to yourself and yourself alone, including that little Citadel of yours, but there will come a time in this war when you must take a side or die in the crossfire.'

'Hey, how do you know about the Citadel?'

'Do not worry, Mr Sanchez. We have no ties with the Galactic Federation. In fact, you may be pleased to know that this universe's Federation have _allied _themselves with the Daleks. Make no mistake, Sanchez, we are _not_ your enemy. We are simply presenting something of an opportunity.'

It was then that Rick Sanchez embarked on a campaign that would harm the universe more than the Daleks ever could.

It would be years before Rassilon realised his mistake. At first, he proved to be as effective as theorised, if not a little carried away with his own personal slaughter. Upon learning of the Doctor - and the Master's survival - Rick Sanchez brought their heads to the High Council as a trophy. After destroying the Emperor's fleet, he gloated before Gallifrey at the massacre, before shooting Rassilon and destroying the capitol. It was Rassilon's Mistake that he thought Rick would ever work for _either _side. The Forest of Cheem wept as the stars went cold, as the planets turned to dust while galaxies burned all in the name of 'peace'. Rick Sanchez was drunk, and time travel was not a good idea when faced with a drunken Rick Sanchez.

When he invited hundreds of other rogue Ricks to join the chaos - that was when the threat really started. Half the universe disappeared as the Ricks abused the power of a device found in the Omega Vaults of Gallifrey; a weapon known only as the Moment. When the inevitable hangover caught up with him, he found that Earth was the only planet in the universe still standing.

'Hey uncle Rick,' Morty whined like the little bitch he is, 'did you have something to do with the stars going out -' Those were the final words he uttered before a Polycarbide bullet flew into his brain and never left.

After murdering his family, Rick truly saw himself in a different light for the first time. Who was the child that he insisted on having stupid adventures with? What was the point of it? Having a family on Earth only weighed Rick down. This universe was done anyway, he could always find another galaxy to burn or Rick and Morty to murder.

He left in his TARDIS as he jettisoned the Eye of Harmony towards Earth, replacing it with his own. He left this dimension entirely, never to be seen again, knowing that the fun was just beginning. After all, he was Rick Sanchez. Who could stop him?


End file.
